Without HOPE who would I be?

A Time to Reflect

     Had a good time this past weekend! Went by way too fast though!!  I bought a new camera before we left and I got it out on Saturday and took some pictures. I am hoping this will bring something enjoyable back into my life. Infertility and depression take out a lot of enjoyable things in my life. I love to take pictures, especially of nature and I got to do a lot of that on Saturday. I really enjoyed  that time and can't wait to get out there and do it again. When I was out there taking pictures, I didn't think about.... not getting pregnant, who was pregnant, when will I get pregnant, will I ever get pregnant again (without miscarrying), is the cyst gone now, when am I gonna start, is it time to start clomid.... you know all of those thoughts that run through your mind like they are running a marathon or something. It was just great to get away from those thoughts, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was exactly what I needed.   

    

      But, now I am back home. Back to reality today. I think AF is visiting today. I am seeing some signs of her.(or could this be more spotting) It's about time though since its CD49!! I seen the doctor on Feb 1 (for possible first try at IUI) and had a cyst the size of my left ovary. I was supposed to have had two periods before my next appointment which is on March 11. Well all you cysters know how that goes. Our bodies never do what they are supposed to do. So if AF officially shows up today, then that would make my visit CD11, which would be perfect for next follicle scan....I am just hoping the giant cyst is gone and we can experiment with IUI. Thats what I feel like sometimes, an experiment. 

   

Also this would happened to an infertile......today I got a call from my health insurance to congratulate me on my new pregnancy and wanted to enroll me in their maternity program. I had to tell the lady that I wasn't pregnant (thanks for reminding me of that!) and I didn't need to be enrolled in their program. She said " oh so this was a mistake?" Well I guess so woman!! If I tell you I'm not pregnant what do you think?...duh! All because I had a vaginal ultrasound done, they assumed it was because I was pregnant? When I told her I wasn't pregnant, in my head I was saying " as big as that cyst is that I am carrying around, I guess you might say that!? Just not with a baby....does that count?" HAHA........   anyways, that was just what I needed today. A phone call from my insurance to remind me of what I don't have. I might have got away for the weekend, but it didn't make me forget about what I have been going through for almost 10 years so you don't have to call me up and remind me!!

     It's in my dreams as well. Last night I had a dream I visited an infertility specialist. As she was taking notes about my history, she asked me how long I had been trying. When I told her I had been trying for almost 10 years, she looked at me and said " Ten years!? well then I will tell you right now you will never have a baby" and she stopped writing and began to rip up the paper she was writing the notes on and said " there's nothing more I can do, it was nice meeting you" and then she walked out the door. 

Okay, so that wasn't a dream, more like a nightmare! But when I woke up this morning I thought about that dream. Can a dream tell us an answer to a question we think about all of the time? I have asked for a sign, could that dream be the sign? Even if it was the answer, I still don't want to accept it. Isn't it funny how we want an answer, but if it isn't what we want to hear we ignore it? Being told I will never be a mother is something I  don't think I can accept. 

       So I began to think about how I have thought it may be easier if we just knew an answer, but then if the answer is what we didn't want to hear, it would take away all of the hope we have each month.  Without hope, what else would I have to look forward to each month? Without HOPE who would I be?
I have thought sometimes having so much hope is just so cruel, but thinking about life without it seems much more depressing. It is kind of like our light at the end of the tunnel. But having so much of it, is it making me hide from the truth? I always thought hope was a good thing, but could it not be good for an infertile person? Is hope just an excuse for me not to give up on something that is never going to happen?   

Wow! I have got to stop having dreams! Infertility is confusing enough, now I am more confused than ever.... My womb may be empty, but my mind is full!!!~

Sweet Dreams everyone!!