HIT ANOTHER BUMP(s) AND NOW I AM BROKE DOWN 2/13/11

After almost 10 years of trying, one miscarriage and finding out we have male factor fertility issues as well, we have decided to start IUIs

Here comes a couple more bumps in the road..............................

So I went to the doctor on day 10 on January 21 to have a follicle scan. I didn't really know what it was, but turned out to be a vaginal ultrasound. Sad to say, but I am used to them. Before I miscarried I was having one almost every 3 days it seemed like. Anyways, the ultrasound tech said there was one follicle on the left, she measured it and I waited for the doctor to come in to talk about the next steps.

I was excited!! It was day 10 and I thought for sure it would be too early, because if the ovulation tests are correct, I don't usually ovulate until around day 25. (That's when I get a positive, a rare occasion.) 

I was thinking we might move to the next step sooner than I thought,     BUT ( there is always a but when something starts to look like it's going great) Doctor comes in and says, I am sorry but I don't feel right about this. Something don't look right to me for it to be day 10. She said we either overshot (day 10, doubtful) and you are getting ready to ovulate any time, or your ovary got way excited from the Clomid and now you have a big cyst. She then starts to tell me she doesn't want to do anything this time. My eyes were beginning to water, but I held the tears back (my sister in law was with me who has two children). Telling me to wait another month is like telling me to wait another year!!

I convinced her that maybe it was too early and I should come in later. She was okay with me coming back in 11 days to have a look at it again. This way she could tell if it was a cyst.

February 1, day 21 I went back (My husband was able to come with me to this appointment). Ultrasound tech tells me everything looks the same and she was right. Doctor comes in tells me it's a cyst and usually takes 4-6 weeks to go away and I needed to have two periods before I come back! We started talking about how difficult the struggles with infertility and a miscarriage was. I started crying, this day I couldn't hold back the tears. It is one disappointment after another and it has and is taking a toll on me emotionally. 

I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. We have been saving up and trying to figure out a way to afford to do the IUI and we finally are ready and Guess What? Something messes it all up! A cyst!! I mean come on, can't one thing go right for once? 

So add something else on to my emotional plate. It's hard enough to deal with the emotions from TTC for almost 10 years and having a miscarriage not even three years ago. Now I am adding fertility treatments to the list, and two attempts to begin have already failed. Now I wonder if I am even emotionally capable of going through this, but really what choice do I have? I can't give up... I know I can get pregnant. 

Ever since the first visit on day 10, I had been stressing and crying a lot. Even more on day 21. Getting back in that funk I just crawled out of not too long ago. Depression, what a vicious cycle!

       

          Then there was the Icing on the Cake......or the Cherry on top.......whatever you want to call it!!!

Day 27 I have yet another emotional day. The day every infertile person dreads. The day when your sister in law (or someone close) calls you and tells you "we are in shock because we are expecting".  I mean really?? Seriously?? So many emotions flooded through my body. NO I am the one in shock!!.. because I am the one trying to get pregnant!!! I am the one peeing on a stick almost everyday throughout the cycle (turning my bathroom into a lab), taking fertility medicine, taking Robitussin right before I am supposed to ovulate (having more drugs than a pharmacy), looking at my cervical mucous (is it egg white consistency yet?), timing intercourse with my husband (so are you ready to get this over with?), trying to schedule the doctor appointment on the right day, having vaginal ultrasounds (that goes where?), having blood drawn (I'm sure I left some things out) and still grieving the child I lost 29 months ago. Plus she just had a child just one year ago (don't get me wrong I love her very much, just like I love my other niece and nephew). 

 

I cry because it's not me. It's not that I don't want her to be pregnant or because I don't like her. I get jealous or upset when I hear that a celebrity is pregnant. I know it must seem terrible, but it's hard to be excited for someone else when they are getting what we are wanting so badly. And we aren't talking a new car or a pair of new shoes either. A baby, someone to hold and love for the rest of our lives.

 What makes it even more difficult is some people can't even understand why you get upset. Besides, what difference does it make if I am excited for them or not. As long as they are excited, that's all that really matters. I mean I wouldn't give a rats butt if someone wasn't excited for me, it's not for them! 

     I knew this would happen though. I had a feeling she was pregnant two weeks before she told me. I knew something like this would happen because everything always happens at the most difficult times for me. She announced she was pregnant like 6 months after my miscarriage, then my other sister in law (who had 1 already) called me and told me a month later she was pregnant. I had to watch two close family members at the same time get what I had just lost and had been trying for, for such a long time. That was very difficult and so will this one. 

 

After she told me, she said she hoped I would be excited about her pregnancy this time. I mean why can't people understand how difficult this journey is for us? I just wish that some people would just pretend to be me for a minute and actually think about what I must feel like. It's been like 21 months or so since her last pregnancy and nothing has changed for me. I am still grieving the loss of my child (which it took me 6.5 years to even get that far, oh how lucky I am *sarcasm*) I am still trying to get pregnant going on 10 years now, I turned 31 in November so I feel like a bomb is ticking and I just started infertility treatments with two failed attempts to even begin. So what do you expect? 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way? I just don't want to feel like a bad person.. This is my life and I am not excited about it at the moment so it is very hard to be excited about someone else's. 

I am broke down

My wish besides having a child, is that people would be more sensitive to our feelings and If you want someone to be a certain way for you, you got to be a certain way for them as well.