The pregnancy test I thought would be a waste of money ended up being a positive! I couldn't believe it, but after a few more tests later, I had got what I had been hoping for after 6 1/2 years. For some reason I didn't act like I thought I would, especially after trying for so long. I think I was just in shock.
Two days after I found out I started spotting. It was on a Sunday and I called the doctors office because I was worried and had to talk to the doctor that was on call and ended up it was my doctor, so that made me feel better. She told me it was normal to experience some spotting, but had me come into the hospital to the lab and have my blood drawn to check HSG level and to come into the office the next day.
The following day I went in and had an ultrasound done and was confirmed I was pregnant. I couldn't believe my eyes. Even though it was just the yolk sac it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I began to cry. I continued to have spotting on and off and was brought in, to do another ultrasound. This time it wasn't as exciting because a Nurse Midwife I had to see that day told me there was nothing in the sac, there was no change and I was going to have a miscarriage. It was so confusing because my blood hormone levels were rising and right on track. So she told me to come in a few days later and have another ultrasound. What an emotional roller coaster this had already been. One minute I was happy and the next minute I was scared and sad.
My husband had not been with me for the previous ultrasounds due to work, so he came with me for the next.
We both were very nervous until we saw that little bitty bean with a heartbeat! We finally got to hear the heartbeat of our baby we had worked so hard for. It was the best moment of our lives together, besides the day we married each other. Of course I cried and told the ultrasound tech, that we had waited over 6 years to
experience this. But......
.........................
This excitement did not last too long when I started to spot again. And when I say spot, I mean just one or two spots when I would use the bathroom. It was not like I was bleeding a lot, that is why the doctor was not concerned. Once again she had us come in a week or so later to have another ultrasound done. This time they could not detect a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing. Laying on that same table where I cried because of excitement, that day I laid there and cried because of sorrow. This was on a Thursday. I chose to have a D&C because I didn't want to pass it at home, but they could not get me in until after the weekend. I was scheduled to have my baby, the one thing I had dreamed, hoped, and prayed for removed from my womb at 7 am on Monday September 29, 2008 and I wouldn't even get to see our Son before they threw him into the red biohazard bag. The worst day of my life. A day I will never forget. That day would make me 11 weeks pregnant.
It was hard knowing I had my baby inside of me, but it was dead. It was the most difficult thing I had ever experienced. I sat at home all weekend by myself (because my husband had to work) and cried almost non-stop. No one was with me and I couldn't believe people would leave me by myself at a time like that. I had never experienced a miscarriage or even knew someone close that had experienced one, so I guess I didn't know what to expect from other people. I just thought everyone would treat it as if someone died in the family, because that someone was and would have been our son, William Edward. It didn't workout that way. No one came around.
In the midst of all my pain and suffering that weekend I cleaned house and my husband ask me why I was doing that and I said because we are probably going to have company tomorrow after I get home from the hospital. I was sure people would come by, offer their condolences, bring us food (because I was not in any mood to fix food), well just like they do when someone has suffered a death. That didn't happen. It was just my husband and I and our 4 dogs and cat. Everyone went on with their normal activities, like nothing was wrong. Life went on for everyone else, and from that day until now life has never been the same for me.
My husband has to keep telling me it wasn't the same for everyone as it was to us, but I asked these questions... Why? He had a heartbeat, he was real. Was it because he wasn't here to touch? He was still our child that we had waited so long for. Didn't anyone think we might need some support?
Not only was I devastated by our loss, but I was so confused why no one treated it like a real death. It was very real to us.
When someone dies do you leave their family alone? Don't you make a dish to take to their house, send flowers, cards of sympathy? Do you tell the loved ones "you gotta move on and get over this"? (That was actually told to me)
Why do people act like miscarriage isn't a big deal? Was I wrong for thinking this way? Did I have high expectations from people? I mean I had waited 6 1/2 years for this baby and just when I got it, it was taken away from me so quickly. Do you think that would devastate you to go through that? I just wanted some support and I wanted our baby who we never got to meet get some recognition, because he was real with a heartbeat!
I just hope if you know someone that has or who goes through a miscarriage, please be there for them. It may not mean a lot to you, or you may not view it as being a real death but trust me, to them it is all too real. They need all the support they can get. And offer to listen if they just need to talk. Because that is one of the things I felt a lot, being alone and no one wanting to hear me cry over a baby no one saw.
Moving on......
This is when I would start to experience the battle of Depression even more. I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager, but this miscarriage put me at the top of the depression world. I have my good days and a lot of bad days. I am sure you will see this as I write in the future....the other thing I deal with is the word, INFERTILITY.
A comment I heard was "Now that you have gotten pregnant, you know you can and it will be easy to get pregnant again".
Well it's been 29 months since I miscarried and I have not got pregnant since. So no, it's not easy! And I am back to being labeled infertile.
So this is how the battles started and from now on I will be sharing how I am doing or what I am going through day by day.
By the way- this feels great to let all of this out! I may not be talking to a lot of people, but if there is one person out there that reads this and understands or even learns something from it that would be wonderful!
I got a lot of awful comments after my miscarriages. I got the "well now that you've been pregnant your body knows what to do" "you need to get over it" "it could have been worse" And you're right, people really don't get it unless they've been there. And it's hard.
ReplyDeleteGlad it feel good to get it out :) I found writing and my blog to be a great source of dealing with things too.