Most of the time I just stay home because I am depressed or I try to stay away from situations that will make me more depressed. I have also found that if I stay away from people, there is less drama.
Although it feels nice to get out and enjoy some fresh air for a change I still can't get away from the one thing that hinders me the most. The thought of being infertile. It's the one thing I want to get off of my mind for at least two seconds, because I think about this all of the time. It consumes me most of the time, except when I am sleeping. And that is probably why I sleep a lot. It's the only time I don't think about it. I have been told I am lazy because I sleep so much, I wish that was the reason!
I am not lazy, it's my only escape!
So during my walk, I pass a mother and a daughter. The little girl is riding her bike with training wheels as the mom jogs closely beside her. Of course, the first thought in my head was: I wish that was me. Then I thought to myself, will that ever be me? I began to imagine myself pushing a stroller with my son or daughter. That image quickly went away when the hopeless side of my brain started telling me that I will never get pregnant, I will not be as lucky as everyone else, I am not that special and don't deserve to experience motherhood.
I really hate my mind! It tortures me.
As I continued walking, up ahead was a little boy and a little girl playing in their driveway. I am assuming they were brother and sister, well at least that's how I pictured them. The little girl watched me as I went by and waved and the little boy was riding in circles on his bike. Two or three houses down there was another child playing out in the yard as the mom watched him from the porch. I continued walking listening to my music. I turned the corner and I saw a boy sliding down a slide and a little girl swinging with her mom behind her helping her swing. The dad was further in the yard practicing his golf swing and a dog chasing after the little boy. In my mind this was a picture of the perfect family. I passed by and went on with my walk. This is when I thought, okay this will be my blog tonight.
I have heard many times from people to just quit thinking about it. But how do you do that when you are constantly reminded of the one thing you don't have? Everywhere you go it is there. Why is it so easy for people to tell you that? Can they not imagine how they would feel if they didn't have their children?
Sometimes I feel like the ones around me think I am just crazy for being so upset and emotional because I can't get pregnant. Like it's not a big deal......but it is a HUGE deal for me.
I want to become a mother and I want to see my husband become a great father.
What if it doesn't ever happen for us? Am I going to be able to get to a point in my life where I don't think about this or will this be something I think about for the rest of my life?
It's such a difficult thought to even let cross my mind, that it may never happen for us. It scares me so much. It breaks my heart...........I want to be a mom!!!!
Is that such a bad thing to want? Actually it's one of the worst things I could ever possibly want, because I am infertile.
Infertility has made me into a person I don't want to be. I am depressed, lonely, empty, bitter, anxious, impatient, moody, tired, jealous, hopeless, stressed, frustrated, angry, resentful, shameful, embarrassed, and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have. I have a great husband and my parents are still with me which is something to be very grateful for, but I don't feel complete.
Without a child of my own, I will always carry a hole in my heart. The missing piece of my puzzle, which I hope and pray I will find someday.
So today I realized the "walk" I am taking with infertility, There will be no way of getting away from it, there will always be a constant reminder with each step, with every turn. No matter if I try to go off course there will always be something there to remind me of what I don't have. The longer I "walk" I hope I learn how to accept the path that has been given to me but right now.............
I feel like I am barely moving, it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. I'm getting tired and want to give up........
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