I feel as empty as my womb.....

This is the last picture I have of my little boy. September 29, 2008 I was 11 weeks pregnant and this was the day he was surgically removed from my womb. I found this picture tonight on my face book and I began to cry. I look at this picture and just wonder what he would have looked like. He would be almost 2 years old, my due date was April 21, 2009. Another date in my memory I will never forget. A birthday that I was supposed to celebrate with my son until the day I died, but now it's just a day to remind me of what I lost.

It's been 2.5 years since he was given to us and and 2.5 years since he was taken from us. It just seems so unfair to have tried  for 6.5 years to only have a miscarriage. Now 2.5 years later I still don't have a baby in my womb or in my arms. 

So many have such an easy time getting what I want so much. I am trying so hard. I've got to watch what I eat. I have to pee on sticks every morning. I have to take medications. I have to go to the doctor on certain days of the month. I have to spend lots of money on just a slim chance of getting a positive. I have to cry every month when I get not one, but multiple negatives. I cry when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I have to hide so I don't take away their joy or ruin the moments. It's hard to be around kids or watch grandparents having such a good time with the kids and not one of them belonging to us. I feel like a failure to my parents and his parents. At least his parents have grandchildren, and I feel it doesn't bother them that we may never have kids because they already have 3 and 1 on the way. But my parents have none.

What if I don't ever get another chance? Will I stop crying because I don't have a baby? Will my heart still ache as much as it does today? 

 The loss of the child I barely had a chance to know and the child I may never have gives me so much sorrow, it's almost unbearable. 

 Sometimes I wonder how I get through this. If it's hard today, how will it be 10 years from now? As I cried tonight, I thought about how it hurts so much today at 31 years old, how many years will I have to go through this pain... and what will this pain plus 10 years of more disappointments and heartaches feel like?... It scares me so much.

In my real world (not my blog world), I feel so alone. I feel I am expected to be a perfect, happy, strong, supportive person. The truth is I am not perfect and I don't know one person that is (although some may think it). I may look happy on the outside, but inside I am a mess. I believe I am not strong because I can't handle things as well as others. And support, it's hard to give when I need so much of it myself and get so little in return.

There's not a day that goes by I don't think about my little boy and what might have been.

Not a day goes by I don't think about being infertile, but there are days when I am stronger than others and I am hoping tomorrow is one of them. 

Infertility and having a miscarriage is robbing me from life.. Almost everyday I feel as empty as my womb.

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

I recently read about some emotions you go through on the journey of infertility.. the question was where are you in your journey? 
So I thought I would write out my emotional journey and look at where I am at......


The first five emotions I have already experienced which are.....
There's nothing wrong- In the beginning after we got married I felt this way
There's something wrong. Now What? - A couple of years after no positive test and being diagnosed with PCOS, I went through this stage
It is something minor- Just kept thinking since PCOS wasn't talked about it was no big deal and I was still young
Shock and Denial- After 6.5 years of infertility I got pregnant and I thought my journey of infertility was over. Then had a miscarriage 11 weeks into the pregnancy. This sent me into shock and denial. How could this happen to me? Things like this just don't happen. This has to be a dream!


And since I have so much to say about this emotion, I figure I am still at this stage.
ANGER
 I am angry that I had to wait 6.5 years to get pregnant to only have a miscarriage.
 I am angry it has been almost 3 years since the miscarriage and I still have not got a positive pregnancy test while so many around me have gone on to have children.
 I am angry because I feel like no one cares about how I feel or what I go through down this road of infertility.
 I am angry because some people expect me to be over my miscarriage and feel I should have moved on. 
 I am angry people leave us out because we don't have children.
 I am angry I feel like we don't mean as much as others because we don't have anything to offer, but ourselves.
 I am angry at myself because I can't be NORMAL, physically or mentally. 
 I am angry when people think they are so much better than others.
 I am angry at people who talk about what they have like it's such a burden to them.
 I am angry I can't be a better person (or haven't been the person everyone wants me to be)
 I am angry when people expect me to be there for them, but never offers to be here for me.  
 I am angry because when I try to talk about my feelings  no one seems to listen.
 I am angry because I can't look at someone that is pregnant or has a child without being jealous and hurt.
 I am angry because my body doesn't work normally.
 I am angry because I have PCOS.
 I am angry because I am infertile.
 I am angry because I have depression.
 I am angry because I feel like less of a woman because of what PCOS, Infertility, and depression has done to my body, mind, and spirit.
 I am angry because I am so dang angry about everything.


Guilt and Depression 
I have felt a lot of guilt of why I am infertile and the reason why I had a miscarriage, some of these are..............................
If only I had been a better person. If only I had done something different. If only I had been a better Christian. If only I had been a better daughter, wife, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, cousin, friend, employee. If only I had ate the right things. If only I had taken better care of myself. If only I could be what everyone wants me to be. If only I could have pleased everyone.


And depression....hmmmmmmm, this has been with me before the days of infertility. But infertility and a miscarriage on top of that does come with a lot of depression. Depression will ruin someone's life for sure. And most people who don't suffer from depression don't realize how dangerous this emotion can be. Not only can it take your life, it will take your mind. Luckily depression has not beat me to the point where I am no longer here on Earth (even though I have been close), depression will take you away from life. I have missed a lot in my life because of depression. I have lost a lot because of it too and continue to. Also when you are depressed you will feel the next emotion for sure which is......
Isolation 
The feeling of all alone is something I feel a lot of. I sometimes feel like people stay away from me because of who I am. NO one wants to be around me because I am different. People can't accept me for who I am. I'm isolated because I can't handle situations like everyone else.  Infertility is isolating in itself. Because if you are infertile you are automatically isolated from people who aren't.  I isolate myself because sometimes it may be the best thing for my well being. Sometimes I have to stay away from situations that cause me to be upset. (But when I do this, it may upset someone because I am not there for them), but I have to do what's best for me because I can be in a very unstable place in my mind.  Then I wonder why they can't understand. Is it because they don't want to understand? I feel so alone in this battle. 


Grief 
I mourn the child I loss through miscarriage after waiting so long for.
I mourn the child I may never have. In this time of sadness, there is no body…no memorial service…no group of friends to offer their condolences.   
This emotion I don't think I will ever be able to pass. Do you ever get over losing a child? I don't think so. So why do people expect me to get over this?!
Recovery 
At this point I don't know if I will ever be able to recover from the loss I have had. Even if I go on to have a child, I will never forget about the baby I lost. I hope if I do have a child, I don't forget about these emotions that I have struggled with because of infertility. I don't want to be like the ones I talk about, who don't seem to care about what I go through during this. IF I ever recover, I want to be an inspiration to someone who needs to be inspired.
Acceptance and Peace 
I will admit, I am no where near this stage. I feel like if I am here I have given up. And I just can't let go right now, but I do hope I can be here some time down the road. I don't want to be in my 40s still feeling the way I do today. I hope by the time I am 40 I will be here!!! I want to enjoy life, as long as I don't have a baby....I feel like I will not know joy, but at some point in my life I will have to give up and have some acceptance and peace or I won't survive.


*I hope one day down the road I can look at this and think about how far I have came. I hope that I can look at this journey that I have been on as a good thing. Something that has made me stronger and a better person. Until then I have to continue down this path and move on to the next step of this emotional roller coaster!

Without HOPE who would I be?

A Time to Reflect

     Had a good time this past weekend! Went by way too fast though!!  I bought a new camera before we left and I got it out on Saturday and took some pictures. I am hoping this will bring something enjoyable back into my life. Infertility and depression take out a lot of enjoyable things in my life. I love to take pictures, especially of nature and I got to do a lot of that on Saturday. I really enjoyed  that time and can't wait to get out there and do it again. When I was out there taking pictures, I didn't think about.... not getting pregnant, who was pregnant, when will I get pregnant, will I ever get pregnant again (without miscarrying), is the cyst gone now, when am I gonna start, is it time to start clomid.... you know all of those thoughts that run through your mind like they are running a marathon or something. It was just great to get away from those thoughts, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was exactly what I needed.   

    

      But, now I am back home. Back to reality today. I think AF is visiting today. I am seeing some signs of her.(or could this be more spotting) It's about time though since its CD49!! I seen the doctor on Feb 1 (for possible first try at IUI) and had a cyst the size of my left ovary. I was supposed to have had two periods before my next appointment which is on March 11. Well all you cysters know how that goes. Our bodies never do what they are supposed to do. So if AF officially shows up today, then that would make my visit CD11, which would be perfect for next follicle scan....I am just hoping the giant cyst is gone and we can experiment with IUI. Thats what I feel like sometimes, an experiment. 

   

Also this would happened to an infertile......today I got a call from my health insurance to congratulate me on my new pregnancy and wanted to enroll me in their maternity program. I had to tell the lady that I wasn't pregnant (thanks for reminding me of that!) and I didn't need to be enrolled in their program. She said " oh so this was a mistake?" Well I guess so woman!! If I tell you I'm not pregnant what do you think?...duh! All because I had a vaginal ultrasound done, they assumed it was because I was pregnant? When I told her I wasn't pregnant, in my head I was saying " as big as that cyst is that I am carrying around, I guess you might say that!? Just not with a baby....does that count?" HAHA........   anyways, that was just what I needed today. A phone call from my insurance to remind me of what I don't have. I might have got away for the weekend, but it didn't make me forget about what I have been going through for almost 10 years so you don't have to call me up and remind me!!

     It's in my dreams as well. Last night I had a dream I visited an infertility specialist. As she was taking notes about my history, she asked me how long I had been trying. When I told her I had been trying for almost 10 years, she looked at me and said " Ten years!? well then I will tell you right now you will never have a baby" and she stopped writing and began to rip up the paper she was writing the notes on and said " there's nothing more I can do, it was nice meeting you" and then she walked out the door. 

Okay, so that wasn't a dream, more like a nightmare! But when I woke up this morning I thought about that dream. Can a dream tell us an answer to a question we think about all of the time? I have asked for a sign, could that dream be the sign? Even if it was the answer, I still don't want to accept it. Isn't it funny how we want an answer, but if it isn't what we want to hear we ignore it? Being told I will never be a mother is something I  don't think I can accept. 

       So I began to think about how I have thought it may be easier if we just knew an answer, but then if the answer is what we didn't want to hear, it would take away all of the hope we have each month.  Without hope, what else would I have to look forward to each month? Without HOPE who would I be?
I have thought sometimes having so much hope is just so cruel, but thinking about life without it seems much more depressing. It is kind of like our light at the end of the tunnel. But having so much of it, is it making me hide from the truth? I always thought hope was a good thing, but could it not be good for an infertile person? Is hope just an excuse for me not to give up on something that is never going to happen?   

Wow! I have got to stop having dreams! Infertility is confusing enough, now I am more confused than ever.... My womb may be empty, but my mind is full!!!~

Sweet Dreams everyone!! 

    

Waiting longer than 30 minutes...and what do I get??

BFN today :(
Not what I wanted, but now I am ready to have AF and start all over again.

It's amazing what we infertile go through each month. No wonder we can't get pregnant with all of the stressing involved in trying to get pregnant.. Also with PCOS you have added wait time because most people don't have a normal 28 day cycle..  mine are usually 35-40 days, but of course this month it's gonna be longer (already on CD42).
Seems like when I am ready to start something new, my cycle has other plans!  Also AF loves to show up at the most inconvenient times...ie. Wedding Day (was actually 2 weeks late and it had to wait to show up on this day), every vacation and even weekend getaways.. I guarantee that is what's going on now.. I have planned a weekend getaway with my husband and I bet it will wait until then!!

I can't wait to get away!! We need a break from the norm.. Just a time to relax and forget what's going on with our reproductive systems and forget about what's going on in everyone else's life that is not going on in ours.. It's almost been a year since we have left our house for a trip and it is time to get away!! It will be good for our marriage to have a little break, even if it is just for a weekend..

When we get home we will be rejoining the infertile waiting room.. I hate this waiting room! It's so depressing and stressful! It's just like my GYNs waiting room....  There is a sign in that waiting room that says to let them know if you have been waiting longer than 30 minutes, and I always think about what if I said, -- Yeah I have been waiting more than 30 minutes, I have been waiting for 10 years! Do I get anything for it?? Look around this room 8 out of 10 women here are pregnant and how long did they have to wait!!??    I'm sure they would look at me like I was crazy, Well they would be right!
Waiting will make you go crazy!!

But for this weekend I am going to try to forget about this waiting room, and focus on what I do have and forget about what I don't have, even if it is just for 3 days!! .....easier said than done, but I am gonna try my hardest :)  Wish me luck!

ALONE AND CONFUSED 2/20/11

I haven't blogged in a couple of days and I am starting to feel it. I have noticed that when I blog I feel better.. I guess I get some kind of release from sharing my feelings.. Knowing there might be someone out there that completely understands is so comforting. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone around me. If I talk about my struggles, you can almost hear the cricket chirping sound effect when I quit talking. I really feel like I can't bother anyone to listen. So I am very glad I have opened up through blogging.

I had a good day yesterday hanging out with my husband (it's always a good day when I am with him), but I started feeling down as I was driving home last tonight. My mind started replaying the day. I held three babies, I was around over a hundred kids at a birthday party and seen at least 5 pregnant women. When I started looking back on the day, I started thinking about how depressing it is to be childless and how it seems like everyone around me isn't.

I actually almost left the place where the party was today. I didn't figure the adults would have to pay admission if all you were doing was just walking in the place and sitting at a table where the birthday party was going on, so I asked the girl at the desk about it. She told me " if you have a kid you don't have to pay, but if you don't have a kid you have to pay". That went through me like a knife! I wanted to turn around and go out to the car and cry.
Once again, I felt like my husband and I were being punished because we didn't have kids.
 I know the girl didn't know that what she said was hurtful,  (she doesn't even know me) but it just brought up a lot of emotion.

Maybe one day I will become a part of the mommy club, until then I just need to learn to fit into the infertile club. It's unbelievable how hard that is though...I am just tired of feeling left out when I am around people.

(  cycle seems very messed up, today is CD41 and nothing. I can't do an IUI if I don't have a cycle...this is so frustrating, how many people wish for a period? (if I am not gonna have a BFP then I want AF) If I have one then I could be closer to achieving my dream by being able to try the next step in our infertility journey!) I don't understand these tests...what is going on with this cycle?? I have never had them gradually get darker at the end of cycle. Is this a PCOS thing? I have had a couple of times with light brown spotting just when I have wiped, do I consider that AF??  HELP!!!! I am so confused!

THE WALK 2/17/11

    It's been warm this week and I have been able to get out of the house and go walking. It feels great to be able to get out of the house. I am currently unemployed and I feel like the walls are starting to cave in on me. 

        Most of the time I just stay home because I am depressed or I try to stay away from situations that will make me more depressed. I have also found that if I stay away from people, there is less drama.

    

     Although it feels nice to get out and enjoy some fresh air for a change I still can't get away from the one thing that hinders me the most. The thought of being infertile. It's the one thing I want to get off of my mind for at least two seconds, because I think about this all of the time. It consumes me most of the time, except when I am sleeping. And that is probably why I sleep a lot. It's the only time I don't think about it. I have been told I am lazy because I sleep so much, I wish that was the reason! 

 I am not lazy, it's my only escape! 

 So during my walk, I pass a mother and a daughter. The little girl is riding her bike with training wheels as the mom jogs closely beside her. Of course, the first thought in my head was: I wish that was me. Then I thought to myself, will that ever be me?  I began to imagine myself pushing a stroller with my son or daughter. That image quickly went away when the hopeless side of my brain started telling me that I will never get pregnant, I will not be as lucky as everyone else, I am not that special and don't deserve to experience motherhood.

 I really hate my mind! It tortures me. 

As I continued walking, up ahead was a little boy and a little girl playing in their driveway. I am assuming they were brother and sister, well at least that's how I pictured them. The little girl watched me as I went by and waved and the little boy was riding in circles on his bike. Two or three houses down there was another child playing out in the yard as the mom watched him from the porch. I continued walking listening to my music. I turned the corner and I saw a boy sliding down a slide and a little girl swinging with her mom behind her helping her swing. The dad was further in the yard practicing his golf swing and a dog chasing after the little boy. In my mind this was a picture of the perfect family. I passed by and went on with my walk. This is when I thought, okay this will be my blog tonight.

   

 I have heard many times from people to just quit thinking about it. But how do you do that when you are constantly reminded of the one thing you don't have? Everywhere you go it is there. Why is it so easy for people to tell you that? Can they not imagine how they would feel if they didn't have their children? 

Sometimes I feel like the ones around me think I am just crazy for being so upset and emotional because I can't get pregnant. Like it's not a big deal......but it is a HUGE deal for me. 

           I want to become a mother and I want to see my husband become a great father. 

What if it doesn't ever happen for us? Am I going to be able to get to a point in my life where I don't think about this or will this be something I think about for the rest of my life?

 It's such a difficult thought to even let cross my mind, that it may never happen for us. It scares me so much. It breaks my heart...........I want to be a mom!!!!

 Is that such a bad thing to want? Actually it's one of the worst things I could ever possibly want, because I am infertile. 

Infertility has made me into a person I don't want to be. I am depressed, lonely, empty, bitter, anxious, impatient, moody, tired, jealous, hopeless, stressed, frustrated, angry, resentful, shameful, embarrassed, and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have. I have a great husband and my parents are still with me which is something to be very grateful for, but I don't feel complete. 

Without a child of my own, I will always carry a hole in my heart. The missing piece of my puzzle, which I hope and pray I will find someday.

So today I realized the "walk" I am taking with infertility,  There will be no way of getting away from it, there will always be a constant reminder with each step, with every turn. No matter if I try to go off course there will always be something there to remind me of what I don't have. The longer I "walk" I hope I learn how to accept the path that has been given to me but right now.............

 I feel like I am barely moving, it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. I'm getting tired and want to give up........

   

TIRED OF "WEIGHTING" 2/14/11

Shortly after I got married it seemed like my weight just skyrocketed. That's when my periods happened less and less. It was probably two years when I was diagnosed with PCOS after I had got married, but I believe it started affecting me when I was about 21. My weight has been an issue for so long. With PCOS, I am pretty much fighting an uphill battle, add depression and stress from being disappointed every month plus throw a miscarriage and close family members having babies soon after, and you have the perfect equation for weight gain. 

Every doctor I have seen has told me I needed to lose weight and I would increase my chances at conceiving on my own. At least a 10% weight loss. So with that in mind, I have thought: Wouldn't you think since I want to have a child so desperately, I would starve myself to lose weight? That should be motivation by itself, right? Well  I think most of the cysters out there would say if only it were that easy. 

 I have tried to diet. One diet after another. I will lose weight and then I will get in the depression funk and gain it, plus 10-20 more! It's terrible, I hate being this way. Not only have I dealt with all of the infertility emotions, I also deal with self image problems as well. A lot of times I would tell people I couldn't go out or do things because I am embarrassed about my weight. I don't have many clothes to wear because I can't find any that fit me just the way I like. (I have the typical PCOS belly, around the middle) I tell my husband it's like I am a tomato on a toothpick! He laughs, thinking I am joking.. but it honestly humiliates me to look this way. 

When I look in the mirror I can not believe my husband will even touch me!

It's so bad, one of the reasons I don't go to church is because I never can find anything to wear.  It's so difficult to shop and with the whole trying on things, it just depresses me even more. My husband and I are Nascar fans and went to Bristol Motor Speedway last year and I about had a heart attack going up the steps to our seats.  I literally had to stop in the middle of flight and take a break. I look up and he is looking down at me with this look like are you coming? What are you doing? I was so embarrassed, I felt like 160,000 people were looking at me and laughing! I have missed out on so many things because of my weight and I am ready to change that! I have decided if I can't have a baby then at least I should feel good about the way I look.

I started weight watchers last year in October. I went to about 4 meetings and decided to go on my own with the information I had received. I thought maybe it was a bad time to start because of the Holidays, but I told myself not to think that way. I was always coming up with an excuse, like it's Wednesday and well I will start fresh on Monday..... well why wait? That's an extra 5 days I could have to get to my goal and I don't want to look like this 5 days more than I have to!

So...... I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas without gaining a pound! (Yay me!) Actually I lost some! I was very proud of myself. As of today I have lost almost 30 pounds!! I still have about 40 more to go according to Weight Watchers.

 I am ready to love myself, love the way I look, love the way I feel and I can't wait to go shopping! I love clothes, even though you wouldn't see that now, in the winter my typical outfit is T-shirt, hoody, and jeans      ( my brother in law pointed that out to me not too long ago, I guess making fun of me, but it's the only thing I am comfortable in). He doesn't understand and what he doesn't know is how much I would love to come out of my shell.

I think know I can do it this time. I have not gave up on this like I usually do. Yesterday it was nice outside I went for a 3 mile walk. I was walking back in the fall and some of the hills on my walking trail would almost kill me. I felt like stopping and taking a break. Huffing and puffing.   BUT now 30 lb.. less, I flew up the hills and didn't feel like giving up. I am amazed how different I felt yesterday when walking. It gave me more motivation. If I feel that great after losing 30, how will I feel if I am 70 lb. lighter!?  I can do this, I will do this and who knows maybe I will lose this weight just to gain some of it back with a pregnancy!! 

I may not be able to solve my infertility issues, but I am going to try my hardest to control my weight. I have too, my life depends on it.... I already have to miss out on so many things because of infertility, I don't want to miss out on other things because of my weight! 

 I would love to hear about your success stories at losing weight, or unsuccessful stories as well. Either way we all need a good support system. Good luck to everyone!!