This is the last picture I have of my little boy. September 29, 2008 I was 11 weeks pregnant and this was the day he was surgically removed from my womb. I found this picture tonight on my face book and I began to cry. I look at this picture and just wonder what he would have looked like. He would be almost 2 years old, my due date was April 21, 2009. Another date in my memory I will never forget. A birthday that I was supposed to celebrate with my son until the day I died, but now it's just a day to remind me of what I lost.
It's been 2.5 years since he was given to us and and 2.5 years since he was taken from us. It just seems so unfair to have tried for 6.5 years to only have a miscarriage. Now 2.5 years later I still don't have a baby in my womb or in my arms.
So many have such an easy time getting what I want so much. I am trying so hard. I've got to watch what I eat. I have to pee on sticks every morning. I have to take medications. I have to go to the doctor on certain days of the month. I have to spend lots of money on just a slim chance of getting a positive. I have to cry every month when I get not one, but multiple negatives. I cry when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I have to hide so I don't take away their joy or ruin the moments. It's hard to be around kids or watch grandparents having such a good time with the kids and not one of them belonging to us. I feel like a failure to my parents and his parents. At least his parents have grandchildren, and I feel it doesn't bother them that we may never have kids because they already have 3 and 1 on the way. But my parents have none.
What if I don't ever get another chance? Will I stop crying because I don't have a baby? Will my heart still ache as much as it does today?
The loss of the child I barely had a chance to know and the child I may never have gives me so much sorrow, it's almost unbearable.
Sometimes I wonder how I get through this. If it's hard today, how will it be 10 years from now? As I cried tonight, I thought about how it hurts so much today at 31 years old, how many years will I have to go through this pain... and what will this pain plus 10 years of more disappointments and heartaches feel like?... It scares me so much.
In my real world (not my blog world), I feel so alone. I feel I am expected to be a perfect, happy, strong, supportive person. The truth is I am not perfect and I don't know one person that is (although some may think it). I may look happy on the outside, but inside I am a mess. I believe I am not strong because I can't handle things as well as others. And support, it's hard to give when I need so much of it myself and get so little in return.
There's not a day that goes by I don't think about my little boy and what might have been.
Not a day goes by I don't think about being infertile, but there are days when I am stronger than others and I am hoping tomorrow is one of them.
Infertility and having a miscarriage is robbing me from life.. Almost everyday I feel as empty as my womb.