Without HOPE who would I be?

A Time to Reflect

     Had a good time this past weekend! Went by way too fast though!!  I bought a new camera before we left and I got it out on Saturday and took some pictures. I am hoping this will bring something enjoyable back into my life. Infertility and depression take out a lot of enjoyable things in my life. I love to take pictures, especially of nature and I got to do a lot of that on Saturday. I really enjoyed  that time and can't wait to get out there and do it again. When I was out there taking pictures, I didn't think about.... not getting pregnant, who was pregnant, when will I get pregnant, will I ever get pregnant again (without miscarrying), is the cyst gone now, when am I gonna start, is it time to start clomid.... you know all of those thoughts that run through your mind like they are running a marathon or something. It was just great to get away from those thoughts, even though it was just for a couple of hours, it was exactly what I needed.   

    

      But, now I am back home. Back to reality today. I think AF is visiting today. I am seeing some signs of her.(or could this be more spotting) It's about time though since its CD49!! I seen the doctor on Feb 1 (for possible first try at IUI) and had a cyst the size of my left ovary. I was supposed to have had two periods before my next appointment which is on March 11. Well all you cysters know how that goes. Our bodies never do what they are supposed to do. So if AF officially shows up today, then that would make my visit CD11, which would be perfect for next follicle scan....I am just hoping the giant cyst is gone and we can experiment with IUI. Thats what I feel like sometimes, an experiment. 

   

Also this would happened to an infertile......today I got a call from my health insurance to congratulate me on my new pregnancy and wanted to enroll me in their maternity program. I had to tell the lady that I wasn't pregnant (thanks for reminding me of that!) and I didn't need to be enrolled in their program. She said " oh so this was a mistake?" Well I guess so woman!! If I tell you I'm not pregnant what do you think?...duh! All because I had a vaginal ultrasound done, they assumed it was because I was pregnant? When I told her I wasn't pregnant, in my head I was saying " as big as that cyst is that I am carrying around, I guess you might say that!? Just not with a baby....does that count?" HAHA........   anyways, that was just what I needed today. A phone call from my insurance to remind me of what I don't have. I might have got away for the weekend, but it didn't make me forget about what I have been going through for almost 10 years so you don't have to call me up and remind me!!

     It's in my dreams as well. Last night I had a dream I visited an infertility specialist. As she was taking notes about my history, she asked me how long I had been trying. When I told her I had been trying for almost 10 years, she looked at me and said " Ten years!? well then I will tell you right now you will never have a baby" and she stopped writing and began to rip up the paper she was writing the notes on and said " there's nothing more I can do, it was nice meeting you" and then she walked out the door. 

Okay, so that wasn't a dream, more like a nightmare! But when I woke up this morning I thought about that dream. Can a dream tell us an answer to a question we think about all of the time? I have asked for a sign, could that dream be the sign? Even if it was the answer, I still don't want to accept it. Isn't it funny how we want an answer, but if it isn't what we want to hear we ignore it? Being told I will never be a mother is something I  don't think I can accept. 

       So I began to think about how I have thought it may be easier if we just knew an answer, but then if the answer is what we didn't want to hear, it would take away all of the hope we have each month.  Without hope, what else would I have to look forward to each month? Without HOPE who would I be?
I have thought sometimes having so much hope is just so cruel, but thinking about life without it seems much more depressing. It is kind of like our light at the end of the tunnel. But having so much of it, is it making me hide from the truth? I always thought hope was a good thing, but could it not be good for an infertile person? Is hope just an excuse for me not to give up on something that is never going to happen?   

Wow! I have got to stop having dreams! Infertility is confusing enough, now I am more confused than ever.... My womb may be empty, but my mind is full!!!~

Sweet Dreams everyone!! 

    

Waiting longer than 30 minutes...and what do I get??

BFN today :(
Not what I wanted, but now I am ready to have AF and start all over again.

It's amazing what we infertile go through each month. No wonder we can't get pregnant with all of the stressing involved in trying to get pregnant.. Also with PCOS you have added wait time because most people don't have a normal 28 day cycle..  mine are usually 35-40 days, but of course this month it's gonna be longer (already on CD42).
Seems like when I am ready to start something new, my cycle has other plans!  Also AF loves to show up at the most inconvenient times...ie. Wedding Day (was actually 2 weeks late and it had to wait to show up on this day), every vacation and even weekend getaways.. I guarantee that is what's going on now.. I have planned a weekend getaway with my husband and I bet it will wait until then!!

I can't wait to get away!! We need a break from the norm.. Just a time to relax and forget what's going on with our reproductive systems and forget about what's going on in everyone else's life that is not going on in ours.. It's almost been a year since we have left our house for a trip and it is time to get away!! It will be good for our marriage to have a little break, even if it is just for a weekend..

When we get home we will be rejoining the infertile waiting room.. I hate this waiting room! It's so depressing and stressful! It's just like my GYNs waiting room....  There is a sign in that waiting room that says to let them know if you have been waiting longer than 30 minutes, and I always think about what if I said, -- Yeah I have been waiting more than 30 minutes, I have been waiting for 10 years! Do I get anything for it?? Look around this room 8 out of 10 women here are pregnant and how long did they have to wait!!??    I'm sure they would look at me like I was crazy, Well they would be right!
Waiting will make you go crazy!!

But for this weekend I am going to try to forget about this waiting room, and focus on what I do have and forget about what I don't have, even if it is just for 3 days!! .....easier said than done, but I am gonna try my hardest :)  Wish me luck!

ALONE AND CONFUSED 2/20/11

I haven't blogged in a couple of days and I am starting to feel it. I have noticed that when I blog I feel better.. I guess I get some kind of release from sharing my feelings.. Knowing there might be someone out there that completely understands is so comforting. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone around me. If I talk about my struggles, you can almost hear the cricket chirping sound effect when I quit talking. I really feel like I can't bother anyone to listen. So I am very glad I have opened up through blogging.

I had a good day yesterday hanging out with my husband (it's always a good day when I am with him), but I started feeling down as I was driving home last tonight. My mind started replaying the day. I held three babies, I was around over a hundred kids at a birthday party and seen at least 5 pregnant women. When I started looking back on the day, I started thinking about how depressing it is to be childless and how it seems like everyone around me isn't.

I actually almost left the place where the party was today. I didn't figure the adults would have to pay admission if all you were doing was just walking in the place and sitting at a table where the birthday party was going on, so I asked the girl at the desk about it. She told me " if you have a kid you don't have to pay, but if you don't have a kid you have to pay". That went through me like a knife! I wanted to turn around and go out to the car and cry.
Once again, I felt like my husband and I were being punished because we didn't have kids.
 I know the girl didn't know that what she said was hurtful,  (she doesn't even know me) but it just brought up a lot of emotion.

Maybe one day I will become a part of the mommy club, until then I just need to learn to fit into the infertile club. It's unbelievable how hard that is though...I am just tired of feeling left out when I am around people.

(  cycle seems very messed up, today is CD41 and nothing. I can't do an IUI if I don't have a cycle...this is so frustrating, how many people wish for a period? (if I am not gonna have a BFP then I want AF) If I have one then I could be closer to achieving my dream by being able to try the next step in our infertility journey!) I don't understand these tests...what is going on with this cycle?? I have never had them gradually get darker at the end of cycle. Is this a PCOS thing? I have had a couple of times with light brown spotting just when I have wiped, do I consider that AF??  HELP!!!! I am so confused!

THE WALK 2/17/11

    It's been warm this week and I have been able to get out of the house and go walking. It feels great to be able to get out of the house. I am currently unemployed and I feel like the walls are starting to cave in on me. 

        Most of the time I just stay home because I am depressed or I try to stay away from situations that will make me more depressed. I have also found that if I stay away from people, there is less drama.

    

     Although it feels nice to get out and enjoy some fresh air for a change I still can't get away from the one thing that hinders me the most. The thought of being infertile. It's the one thing I want to get off of my mind for at least two seconds, because I think about this all of the time. It consumes me most of the time, except when I am sleeping. And that is probably why I sleep a lot. It's the only time I don't think about it. I have been told I am lazy because I sleep so much, I wish that was the reason! 

 I am not lazy, it's my only escape! 

 So during my walk, I pass a mother and a daughter. The little girl is riding her bike with training wheels as the mom jogs closely beside her. Of course, the first thought in my head was: I wish that was me. Then I thought to myself, will that ever be me?  I began to imagine myself pushing a stroller with my son or daughter. That image quickly went away when the hopeless side of my brain started telling me that I will never get pregnant, I will not be as lucky as everyone else, I am not that special and don't deserve to experience motherhood.

 I really hate my mind! It tortures me. 

As I continued walking, up ahead was a little boy and a little girl playing in their driveway. I am assuming they were brother and sister, well at least that's how I pictured them. The little girl watched me as I went by and waved and the little boy was riding in circles on his bike. Two or three houses down there was another child playing out in the yard as the mom watched him from the porch. I continued walking listening to my music. I turned the corner and I saw a boy sliding down a slide and a little girl swinging with her mom behind her helping her swing. The dad was further in the yard practicing his golf swing and a dog chasing after the little boy. In my mind this was a picture of the perfect family. I passed by and went on with my walk. This is when I thought, okay this will be my blog tonight.

   

 I have heard many times from people to just quit thinking about it. But how do you do that when you are constantly reminded of the one thing you don't have? Everywhere you go it is there. Why is it so easy for people to tell you that? Can they not imagine how they would feel if they didn't have their children? 

Sometimes I feel like the ones around me think I am just crazy for being so upset and emotional because I can't get pregnant. Like it's not a big deal......but it is a HUGE deal for me. 

           I want to become a mother and I want to see my husband become a great father. 

What if it doesn't ever happen for us? Am I going to be able to get to a point in my life where I don't think about this or will this be something I think about for the rest of my life?

 It's such a difficult thought to even let cross my mind, that it may never happen for us. It scares me so much. It breaks my heart...........I want to be a mom!!!!

 Is that such a bad thing to want? Actually it's one of the worst things I could ever possibly want, because I am infertile. 

Infertility has made me into a person I don't want to be. I am depressed, lonely, empty, bitter, anxious, impatient, moody, tired, jealous, hopeless, stressed, frustrated, angry, resentful, shameful, embarrassed, and on and on. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for what I do have. I have a great husband and my parents are still with me which is something to be very grateful for, but I don't feel complete. 

Without a child of my own, I will always carry a hole in my heart. The missing piece of my puzzle, which I hope and pray I will find someday.

So today I realized the "walk" I am taking with infertility,  There will be no way of getting away from it, there will always be a constant reminder with each step, with every turn. No matter if I try to go off course there will always be something there to remind me of what I don't have. The longer I "walk" I hope I learn how to accept the path that has been given to me but right now.............

 I feel like I am barely moving, it's hard to put one foot in front of the other. I'm getting tired and want to give up........

   

TIRED OF "WEIGHTING" 2/14/11

Shortly after I got married it seemed like my weight just skyrocketed. That's when my periods happened less and less. It was probably two years when I was diagnosed with PCOS after I had got married, but I believe it started affecting me when I was about 21. My weight has been an issue for so long. With PCOS, I am pretty much fighting an uphill battle, add depression and stress from being disappointed every month plus throw a miscarriage and close family members having babies soon after, and you have the perfect equation for weight gain. 

Every doctor I have seen has told me I needed to lose weight and I would increase my chances at conceiving on my own. At least a 10% weight loss. So with that in mind, I have thought: Wouldn't you think since I want to have a child so desperately, I would starve myself to lose weight? That should be motivation by itself, right? Well  I think most of the cysters out there would say if only it were that easy. 

 I have tried to diet. One diet after another. I will lose weight and then I will get in the depression funk and gain it, plus 10-20 more! It's terrible, I hate being this way. Not only have I dealt with all of the infertility emotions, I also deal with self image problems as well. A lot of times I would tell people I couldn't go out or do things because I am embarrassed about my weight. I don't have many clothes to wear because I can't find any that fit me just the way I like. (I have the typical PCOS belly, around the middle) I tell my husband it's like I am a tomato on a toothpick! He laughs, thinking I am joking.. but it honestly humiliates me to look this way. 

When I look in the mirror I can not believe my husband will even touch me!

It's so bad, one of the reasons I don't go to church is because I never can find anything to wear.  It's so difficult to shop and with the whole trying on things, it just depresses me even more. My husband and I are Nascar fans and went to Bristol Motor Speedway last year and I about had a heart attack going up the steps to our seats.  I literally had to stop in the middle of flight and take a break. I look up and he is looking down at me with this look like are you coming? What are you doing? I was so embarrassed, I felt like 160,000 people were looking at me and laughing! I have missed out on so many things because of my weight and I am ready to change that! I have decided if I can't have a baby then at least I should feel good about the way I look.

I started weight watchers last year in October. I went to about 4 meetings and decided to go on my own with the information I had received. I thought maybe it was a bad time to start because of the Holidays, but I told myself not to think that way. I was always coming up with an excuse, like it's Wednesday and well I will start fresh on Monday..... well why wait? That's an extra 5 days I could have to get to my goal and I don't want to look like this 5 days more than I have to!

So...... I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas without gaining a pound! (Yay me!) Actually I lost some! I was very proud of myself. As of today I have lost almost 30 pounds!! I still have about 40 more to go according to Weight Watchers.

 I am ready to love myself, love the way I look, love the way I feel and I can't wait to go shopping! I love clothes, even though you wouldn't see that now, in the winter my typical outfit is T-shirt, hoody, and jeans      ( my brother in law pointed that out to me not too long ago, I guess making fun of me, but it's the only thing I am comfortable in). He doesn't understand and what he doesn't know is how much I would love to come out of my shell.

I think know I can do it this time. I have not gave up on this like I usually do. Yesterday it was nice outside I went for a 3 mile walk. I was walking back in the fall and some of the hills on my walking trail would almost kill me. I felt like stopping and taking a break. Huffing and puffing.   BUT now 30 lb.. less, I flew up the hills and didn't feel like giving up. I am amazed how different I felt yesterday when walking. It gave me more motivation. If I feel that great after losing 30, how will I feel if I am 70 lb. lighter!?  I can do this, I will do this and who knows maybe I will lose this weight just to gain some of it back with a pregnancy!! 

I may not be able to solve my infertility issues, but I am going to try my hardest to control my weight. I have too, my life depends on it.... I already have to miss out on so many things because of infertility, I don't want to miss out on other things because of my weight! 

 I would love to hear about your success stories at losing weight, or unsuccessful stories as well. Either way we all need a good support system. Good luck to everyone!!

HIT ANOTHER BUMP(s) AND NOW I AM BROKE DOWN 2/13/11

After almost 10 years of trying, one miscarriage and finding out we have male factor fertility issues as well, we have decided to start IUIs

Here comes a couple more bumps in the road..............................

So I went to the doctor on day 10 on January 21 to have a follicle scan. I didn't really know what it was, but turned out to be a vaginal ultrasound. Sad to say, but I am used to them. Before I miscarried I was having one almost every 3 days it seemed like. Anyways, the ultrasound tech said there was one follicle on the left, she measured it and I waited for the doctor to come in to talk about the next steps.

I was excited!! It was day 10 and I thought for sure it would be too early, because if the ovulation tests are correct, I don't usually ovulate until around day 25. (That's when I get a positive, a rare occasion.) 

I was thinking we might move to the next step sooner than I thought,     BUT ( there is always a but when something starts to look like it's going great) Doctor comes in and says, I am sorry but I don't feel right about this. Something don't look right to me for it to be day 10. She said we either overshot (day 10, doubtful) and you are getting ready to ovulate any time, or your ovary got way excited from the Clomid and now you have a big cyst. She then starts to tell me she doesn't want to do anything this time. My eyes were beginning to water, but I held the tears back (my sister in law was with me who has two children). Telling me to wait another month is like telling me to wait another year!!

I convinced her that maybe it was too early and I should come in later. She was okay with me coming back in 11 days to have a look at it again. This way she could tell if it was a cyst.

February 1, day 21 I went back (My husband was able to come with me to this appointment). Ultrasound tech tells me everything looks the same and she was right. Doctor comes in tells me it's a cyst and usually takes 4-6 weeks to go away and I needed to have two periods before I come back! We started talking about how difficult the struggles with infertility and a miscarriage was. I started crying, this day I couldn't hold back the tears. It is one disappointment after another and it has and is taking a toll on me emotionally. 

I just don't understand why things happen the way they do. We have been saving up and trying to figure out a way to afford to do the IUI and we finally are ready and Guess What? Something messes it all up! A cyst!! I mean come on, can't one thing go right for once? 

So add something else on to my emotional plate. It's hard enough to deal with the emotions from TTC for almost 10 years and having a miscarriage not even three years ago. Now I am adding fertility treatments to the list, and two attempts to begin have already failed. Now I wonder if I am even emotionally capable of going through this, but really what choice do I have? I can't give up... I know I can get pregnant. 

Ever since the first visit on day 10, I had been stressing and crying a lot. Even more on day 21. Getting back in that funk I just crawled out of not too long ago. Depression, what a vicious cycle!

       

          Then there was the Icing on the Cake......or the Cherry on top.......whatever you want to call it!!!

Day 27 I have yet another emotional day. The day every infertile person dreads. The day when your sister in law (or someone close) calls you and tells you "we are in shock because we are expecting".  I mean really?? Seriously?? So many emotions flooded through my body. NO I am the one in shock!!.. because I am the one trying to get pregnant!!! I am the one peeing on a stick almost everyday throughout the cycle (turning my bathroom into a lab), taking fertility medicine, taking Robitussin right before I am supposed to ovulate (having more drugs than a pharmacy), looking at my cervical mucous (is it egg white consistency yet?), timing intercourse with my husband (so are you ready to get this over with?), trying to schedule the doctor appointment on the right day, having vaginal ultrasounds (that goes where?), having blood drawn (I'm sure I left some things out) and still grieving the child I lost 29 months ago. Plus she just had a child just one year ago (don't get me wrong I love her very much, just like I love my other niece and nephew). 

 

I cry because it's not me. It's not that I don't want her to be pregnant or because I don't like her. I get jealous or upset when I hear that a celebrity is pregnant. I know it must seem terrible, but it's hard to be excited for someone else when they are getting what we are wanting so badly. And we aren't talking a new car or a pair of new shoes either. A baby, someone to hold and love for the rest of our lives.

 What makes it even more difficult is some people can't even understand why you get upset. Besides, what difference does it make if I am excited for them or not. As long as they are excited, that's all that really matters. I mean I wouldn't give a rats butt if someone wasn't excited for me, it's not for them! 

     I knew this would happen though. I had a feeling she was pregnant two weeks before she told me. I knew something like this would happen because everything always happens at the most difficult times for me. She announced she was pregnant like 6 months after my miscarriage, then my other sister in law (who had 1 already) called me and told me a month later she was pregnant. I had to watch two close family members at the same time get what I had just lost and had been trying for, for such a long time. That was very difficult and so will this one. 

 

After she told me, she said she hoped I would be excited about her pregnancy this time. I mean why can't people understand how difficult this journey is for us? I just wish that some people would just pretend to be me for a minute and actually think about what I must feel like. It's been like 21 months or so since her last pregnancy and nothing has changed for me. I am still grieving the loss of my child (which it took me 6.5 years to even get that far, oh how lucky I am *sarcasm*) I am still trying to get pregnant going on 10 years now, I turned 31 in November so I feel like a bomb is ticking and I just started infertility treatments with two failed attempts to even begin. So what do you expect? 

Am I wrong for feeling this way? Is there anyone else out there who feels the same way? I just don't want to feel like a bad person.. This is my life and I am not excited about it at the moment so it is very hard to be excited about someone else's. 

I am broke down

My wish besides having a child, is that people would be more sensitive to our feelings and If you want someone to be a certain way for you, you got to be a certain way for them as well.

HOW IT ALL STARTED(2) 2/11/11

To continue with what I was talking about last night in HOW IT ALL STARTED.........

The pregnancy test I thought would be a waste of money ended up being a positive! I couldn't believe it, but after a few more tests later, I had got what I had been hoping for after 6 1/2 years. For some reason I didn't act like I thought I would, especially after trying for so long. I think I was just in shock.

Two days after I found out I started spotting. It was on a Sunday and I called the doctors office because I was worried and had to talk to the doctor that was on call and ended up it was my doctor, so that made me feel better. She told me it was normal to experience some spotting, but had me come into the hospital to the lab and have my blood drawn to check HSG level and to come into the office the next day.

The following day I went in and had an ultrasound done and was confirmed I was pregnant. I couldn't believe my eyes. Even though it was just the yolk sac it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I began to cry. I continued to have spotting on and off and was brought in, to do another ultrasound. This time it wasn't as exciting because a Nurse Midwife I had to see that day told me there was nothing in the sac, there was no change and I was going to have a miscarriage. It was so confusing because my blood hormone levels were rising and right on track. So she told me to come in a few days later and have another ultrasound. What an emotional roller coaster this had already been. One minute I was happy and the next minute I was scared and sad.

My husband had not been with me for the previous ultrasounds due to work, so he came with me for the next. 

We both were very nervous until we saw that little bitty bean with a heartbeat! We finally got to hear the heartbeat of our baby we had worked so hard for. It was the best moment of our lives together, besides the day we married each other. Of course I cried and told the ultrasound tech, that we had waited over 6 years to

 experience this. But......

.........................

This excitement did not last too long when I started to spot again. And when I say spot, I mean just one or two spots when I would use the bathroom. It was not like I was bleeding a lot, that is why the doctor was not concerned. Once again she had us come in a week or so later to have another ultrasound done. This time they could not detect a heartbeat and the baby had stopped growing. Laying on that same table where I cried because of excitement, that day I laid there and cried because of sorrow. This was on a Thursday. I chose to have a D&C because I didn't want to pass it at home, but they could not get me in until after the weekend. I was scheduled to have my baby, the one thing I had dreamed, hoped, and prayed for removed from my womb at 7 am on Monday September 29, 2008 and I wouldn't even get to see our Son before they threw him into the red biohazard bag. The worst day of my life. A day I will never forget. That day would make me 11 weeks pregnant.

It was hard knowing I had my baby inside of me, but it was dead. It was the most difficult thing I had ever experienced. I sat at home all weekend by myself (because my husband had to work) and cried almost non-stop. No one was with me and I couldn't believe people would leave me by myself at a time like that. I had never experienced a miscarriage or even knew someone close that had experienced one, so I guess I didn't know what to expect from other people. I just thought everyone would treat it as if someone died in the family, because that someone was and would have been our son, William Edward. It didn't workout that way. No one came around. 

In the midst of all my pain and suffering that weekend I cleaned house and my husband ask me why I was doing that and I said because we are probably going to have company tomorrow after I get home from the hospital. I was sure people would come by, offer their condolences, bring us food (because I was not in any mood to fix food), well just like they do when someone has suffered a death. That didn't happen. It was just my husband and I and our 4 dogs and cat. Everyone went on with their normal activities, like nothing was wrong. Life went on for everyone else, and from that day until now life has never been the same for me.

     My husband has to keep telling me it wasn't the same for everyone as it was to us, but I asked these questions... Why?  He had a heartbeat, he was real. Was it because he wasn't here to touch? He was still our child that we had waited so long for. Didn't anyone think we might need some support?  

Not only was I devastated by our loss, but I was so confused why no one treated it like a real death. It was very real to us. 

When someone dies do you leave their family alone? Don't you make a dish to take to their house, send flowers, cards of sympathy? Do you tell the loved ones "you gotta move on and get over this"? (That was actually told to me) 

Why do people act like miscarriage isn't a big deal? Was I wrong for thinking this way? Did I have high expectations from people?   I mean I had waited 6 1/2 years for this baby and just when I got it, it was taken away from me so quickly. Do you think that would devastate you to go through that?       I just wanted some support and I wanted our baby who we never got to meet get some recognition, because he was real with a heartbeat!

 I just hope if you know someone that has or who goes through a miscarriage, please be there for them. It may not mean a lot to you, or you may not view it as being a real death but trust me, to them it is all too real. They need all the support they can get. And offer to listen if they just need to talk. Because that is one of the things I felt a lot,  being alone and no one wanting to hear me cry over a baby no one saw.

Moving on......

This is when I would start to experience the battle of Depression even more. I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager, but this miscarriage put me at the top of the depression world. I have my good days and a lot of bad days. I am sure you will see this as I write in the future....the other thing I deal with is the word, INFERTILITY.

A comment I heard was "Now that you have gotten pregnant, you know you can and it will be easy to get pregnant again".  

Well it's been 29 months since I miscarried and I have not got pregnant since. So no, it's not easy! And I am back to being labeled infertile. 

So this is how the battles started and from now on I will be sharing how I am doing or what I am going through day by day. 

    By the way- this feels great to let all of this out!  I may not be talking to a lot of people, but if there is one person out there that reads this and understands or even learns something from it that would be wonderful! 

 

HOW IT ALL STARTED (1) 2/10/11

I don't know how to start with this, but I guess I will begin with when I got married. We will be celebrating our 10 year anniversary in about 6 months, and I should be extremely excited about this, but this date will also mark ten years of "TTC" trying to conceive and here we are still just the two of us, well except for our 4 dogs and 1 cat! Who are Jasmine, Kobe, Mandy, Molly, and Bennie "aka" kitty bitty. They are our kids. One thing is for certain, we may not be able to have a child, but we can always have a furbaby around! 

   So after we got married we decided if I were to get pregnant it would be okay. We really never tried to prevent a pregnancy. We knew it might not be easy, but we never imagined it to be this difficult. Months went by and then it turned to years and still had not achieved what almost every couple dreams about: starting a family.

 I wanted to see what was going on. So I had some tests done and was diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome). PCOS is a condition in which there are many small cysts in the ovaries which can affect a woman's ability to become pregnant. http://www.healthline.com/adamcontent/polycystic-ovary-disease?utm_medium=ask&utm_source=smart&utm_campaign=article&utm_term=Polycystic+Ovary+Disease&ask_return=Polycystic+Ovary+Disease

It also causes many other health problems as well. A symptom I have had is weight gain. It is difficult to lose weight with PCOS. It is a constant uphill battle and I am always dieting. I can look at something and gain 10 pounds. 

After finding this out I was prescribed Clomid a mild fertility drug. Of course I thought this would be the answer. Come to find out, it wasn't! With that not working we just continued to pray it would happen for us someday. I struggled mentally. I wanted to have a baby in the worst way. It's like how every girl dreams about their wedding day, I think almost every woman dreams about having a baby as well. A natural motherly instinct that we are born with or that thing people call a biological time clock. Well my clock was ticking louder and louder as each month passed by and with every negative test I took. 

I thought I would never be able to give up on our dream of having a baby, but eventually I came to terms with it. I got to an amazing point in my life after about 6 years of TTC. I had finally talked myself into accepting the fact that I was infertile and I would never get pregnant and I was okay with it! I was ready to move on, but I did not know I was getting ready to take a turn on a more difficult road ahead.

I was having irregular periods (PCOS symptom) and my Doctor wanted me to get regular so she gave me a prescription to take and told me to take a pregnancy test before I started taking them. I told her that was a waste of money, but she insisted I just make sure. So when the time came to start taking my pills, I took a pregnancy test. I sat it on the side of the tub and gave it a few seconds and what I saw was the beginning of a new chapter in my life. A chapter I will continue with in the next blog! Goodnight

A way to cope

Hello, I am new at this. I am getting ready to start talking about my everyday struggles with PCOS, Miscarriage, Depression, and Infertility. This is a way for me to cope and maybe talk to others who have been or are in the same situations as I am. I am hoping this will be a way for me to be strengthened mentally and spiritually and/ or possibly help someone at the same time. I hope you will be here with me and help me along this bumpy road I have been chosen to be on. I hope you will follow me and offer me your story and advice along the way....Thanks