I feel as empty as my womb.....

This is the last picture I have of my little boy. September 29, 2008 I was 11 weeks pregnant and this was the day he was surgically removed from my womb. I found this picture tonight on my face book and I began to cry. I look at this picture and just wonder what he would have looked like. He would be almost 2 years old, my due date was April 21, 2009. Another date in my memory I will never forget. A birthday that I was supposed to celebrate with my son until the day I died, but now it's just a day to remind me of what I lost.

It's been 2.5 years since he was given to us and and 2.5 years since he was taken from us. It just seems so unfair to have tried  for 6.5 years to only have a miscarriage. Now 2.5 years later I still don't have a baby in my womb or in my arms. 

So many have such an easy time getting what I want so much. I am trying so hard. I've got to watch what I eat. I have to pee on sticks every morning. I have to take medications. I have to go to the doctor on certain days of the month. I have to spend lots of money on just a slim chance of getting a positive. I have to cry every month when I get not one, but multiple negatives. I cry when I hear of someone getting pregnant. I have to hide so I don't take away their joy or ruin the moments. It's hard to be around kids or watch grandparents having such a good time with the kids and not one of them belonging to us. I feel like a failure to my parents and his parents. At least his parents have grandchildren, and I feel it doesn't bother them that we may never have kids because they already have 3 and 1 on the way. But my parents have none.

What if I don't ever get another chance? Will I stop crying because I don't have a baby? Will my heart still ache as much as it does today? 

 The loss of the child I barely had a chance to know and the child I may never have gives me so much sorrow, it's almost unbearable. 

 Sometimes I wonder how I get through this. If it's hard today, how will it be 10 years from now? As I cried tonight, I thought about how it hurts so much today at 31 years old, how many years will I have to go through this pain... and what will this pain plus 10 years of more disappointments and heartaches feel like?... It scares me so much.

In my real world (not my blog world), I feel so alone. I feel I am expected to be a perfect, happy, strong, supportive person. The truth is I am not perfect and I don't know one person that is (although some may think it). I may look happy on the outside, but inside I am a mess. I believe I am not strong because I can't handle things as well as others. And support, it's hard to give when I need so much of it myself and get so little in return.

There's not a day that goes by I don't think about my little boy and what might have been.

Not a day goes by I don't think about being infertile, but there are days when I am stronger than others and I am hoping tomorrow is one of them. 

Infertility and having a miscarriage is robbing me from life.. Almost everyday I feel as empty as my womb.

EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

I recently read about some emotions you go through on the journey of infertility.. the question was where are you in your journey? 
So I thought I would write out my emotional journey and look at where I am at......


The first five emotions I have already experienced which are.....
There's nothing wrong- In the beginning after we got married I felt this way
There's something wrong. Now What? - A couple of years after no positive test and being diagnosed with PCOS, I went through this stage
It is something minor- Just kept thinking since PCOS wasn't talked about it was no big deal and I was still young
Shock and Denial- After 6.5 years of infertility I got pregnant and I thought my journey of infertility was over. Then had a miscarriage 11 weeks into the pregnancy. This sent me into shock and denial. How could this happen to me? Things like this just don't happen. This has to be a dream!


And since I have so much to say about this emotion, I figure I am still at this stage.
ANGER
 I am angry that I had to wait 6.5 years to get pregnant to only have a miscarriage.
 I am angry it has been almost 3 years since the miscarriage and I still have not got a positive pregnancy test while so many around me have gone on to have children.
 I am angry because I feel like no one cares about how I feel or what I go through down this road of infertility.
 I am angry because some people expect me to be over my miscarriage and feel I should have moved on. 
 I am angry people leave us out because we don't have children.
 I am angry I feel like we don't mean as much as others because we don't have anything to offer, but ourselves.
 I am angry at myself because I can't be NORMAL, physically or mentally. 
 I am angry when people think they are so much better than others.
 I am angry at people who talk about what they have like it's such a burden to them.
 I am angry I can't be a better person (or haven't been the person everyone wants me to be)
 I am angry when people expect me to be there for them, but never offers to be here for me.  
 I am angry because when I try to talk about my feelings  no one seems to listen.
 I am angry because I can't look at someone that is pregnant or has a child without being jealous and hurt.
 I am angry because my body doesn't work normally.
 I am angry because I have PCOS.
 I am angry because I am infertile.
 I am angry because I have depression.
 I am angry because I feel like less of a woman because of what PCOS, Infertility, and depression has done to my body, mind, and spirit.
 I am angry because I am so dang angry about everything.


Guilt and Depression 
I have felt a lot of guilt of why I am infertile and the reason why I had a miscarriage, some of these are..............................
If only I had been a better person. If only I had done something different. If only I had been a better Christian. If only I had been a better daughter, wife, sister, granddaughter, daughter in law, sister in law, cousin, friend, employee. If only I had ate the right things. If only I had taken better care of myself. If only I could be what everyone wants me to be. If only I could have pleased everyone.


And depression....hmmmmmmm, this has been with me before the days of infertility. But infertility and a miscarriage on top of that does come with a lot of depression. Depression will ruin someone's life for sure. And most people who don't suffer from depression don't realize how dangerous this emotion can be. Not only can it take your life, it will take your mind. Luckily depression has not beat me to the point where I am no longer here on Earth (even though I have been close), depression will take you away from life. I have missed a lot in my life because of depression. I have lost a lot because of it too and continue to. Also when you are depressed you will feel the next emotion for sure which is......
Isolation 
The feeling of all alone is something I feel a lot of. I sometimes feel like people stay away from me because of who I am. NO one wants to be around me because I am different. People can't accept me for who I am. I'm isolated because I can't handle situations like everyone else.  Infertility is isolating in itself. Because if you are infertile you are automatically isolated from people who aren't.  I isolate myself because sometimes it may be the best thing for my well being. Sometimes I have to stay away from situations that cause me to be upset. (But when I do this, it may upset someone because I am not there for them), but I have to do what's best for me because I can be in a very unstable place in my mind.  Then I wonder why they can't understand. Is it because they don't want to understand? I feel so alone in this battle. 


Grief 
I mourn the child I loss through miscarriage after waiting so long for.
I mourn the child I may never have. In this time of sadness, there is no body…no memorial service…no group of friends to offer their condolences.   
This emotion I don't think I will ever be able to pass. Do you ever get over losing a child? I don't think so. So why do people expect me to get over this?!
Recovery 
At this point I don't know if I will ever be able to recover from the loss I have had. Even if I go on to have a child, I will never forget about the baby I lost. I hope if I do have a child, I don't forget about these emotions that I have struggled with because of infertility. I don't want to be like the ones I talk about, who don't seem to care about what I go through during this. IF I ever recover, I want to be an inspiration to someone who needs to be inspired.
Acceptance and Peace 
I will admit, I am no where near this stage. I feel like if I am here I have given up. And I just can't let go right now, but I do hope I can be here some time down the road. I don't want to be in my 40s still feeling the way I do today. I hope by the time I am 40 I will be here!!! I want to enjoy life, as long as I don't have a baby....I feel like I will not know joy, but at some point in my life I will have to give up and have some acceptance and peace or I won't survive.


*I hope one day down the road I can look at this and think about how far I have came. I hope that I can look at this journey that I have been on as a good thing. Something that has made me stronger and a better person. Until then I have to continue down this path and move on to the next step of this emotional roller coaster!